FRANTS and FRAVES (2)
We have been in France for seven weeks, kind of hard to believe actually. We are still in the adjusting phase, some would say the Honeymoon phase, but trust me when I say that there are things here that are anything but romantic and charming. When we visit Europe we tend to not remember the downsides as they are outweighed by the wonderful existence that is life in lands far far away. With that said, European infrastructure is quite often a conundrum to me.
Sir John Harington
French Plumbing…
Although invented by an English man by the name of Sir John Harington in the late 1500’s, the flushing toilet did not come into wide use until the late 19th century. The flush toilet has been worked and reworked by countless inventors over the years, with the Americans really taking a lead in its gentile existence.
In Europe the years have not been kind to the toilet, or to bathrooms in general. Masses of filthy pipes exposed to view along with radiators with their gas lines snaking across the internal universe, and washing machines, (I always think of doing the laundry while using the bathroom, don’t you? but we will come back to that later) bidets, (I know, I know, during the toilet paper shortage (really???) so many of you added and adored your bidets), the horridly filthy and disgusting, obligatory toilet brush, and the lack of an actual toilet seem to make up a bathroom in France. At some point someone decided that we should not poop in the same room that contains the rest of the machinery we use for cleansing. There are arguments on both sides of this decision, I for one prefer it’s inclusion rather than exclusion in the bathroom. The toilet appears to have been banished to a small room, closet, coffin like space that contains… a toilet - and nothing else.
Our toilet room
The rental house that we currently reside in indeed has this toilet in a closet situation, I refer to it as the outhouse! It is a small dank closet, that is stone cold with oversized 1980’s tile walls and floor, and it has a wall mounted toilet, with the tank and pipes all concealed inside of the walls. This may sound intriguing, but it is a nightmare waiting to happen. What if the toilet gets clogged? We all know how to (or should) shut off the water in a standard American toilet, or pull the lid from the tank to grab the ballcock (Hee hee, I said ballcock!) to stop the flow of water so that Great Aunt Ida’s lovely home is not flooded with soiled water and used toilet paper! But in this toilet closet there are no taps to turn off, no lid to remove, nothing to stop your shame at all! it simply hangs on the wall and must have been installed by a plumber who is seven feet tall as Phillip says his feet dangle above the floor when in use. And yet there is something worse, no sink! We all have to do business in the bathroom (toilet closet) and when completed we wash our hands so that we can cleanly and safely pull up our pants, buckle our belts, and grab the door handle to unlock ourselves and exit the room… NO SINK! I will leave it there.
Although originally invented with the waste pipe in an ‘S’ curve that exited the bottom of the appliance, a majority of European models have the waste pipe exiting straight out of the back of the unit. The drainage pipes are completely exposed along with all of the water supplies, leading to some (just throw aesthetics out the window) very difficult areas to keep clean and tidy, so it would appear that most simply do not bother. I shudder every time I have to use a toilet outside of our home.
Enough said about toilets and I didn’t even mention Squat toilets, Pissoirs, or the itty bitty tiny rolls of toilet paper sold in France. If you want to read more the toilet-guru has some very amusing pages on the subject. You can visit them by following these two links…. French toilets and/or French Bidets.
A commentary of French plumbing would not be complete without talking about laundry. I have already mentioned washing machines being located in bathrooms, but another popular location for them (if your bathroom is too small) is in the kitchen. Here you can create your soufflé and do the laundry all at the same time. Remember earlier when I said “European infrastructure is quite often a conundrum to me”? Bathroom aside, why would you want a clothes washing machine in your Kitchen? Laundry is an important part of our daily lives and I personally feel it deserves a dedicated space. The water in, what would appear to be most of Europe, is very hard water or water that has high mineral content, with calcium being the big evil mineral when it comes to general cleaning and laundry. Large amounts of calcium in water cause soap to become less cleansing, as the soap is attempting to break down the minerals some of it actually bonds with the minerals and creates… soap scum! Rather than cleaning the clothes, soap scum is deposited on them. In order to counteract this I have researched the problem and now use two laundry soap pods, a calgon water softening tablet, a capful of fabric softener, and a large scoop of oxygen cleaning agent per load. This expensive combination does seem to be doing the trick as to getting our clothes and towels clean, but is doing absolutely nothing for the aftermath.
There seems to be, yet again, a romantic notion of clothing drying on an outdoor clothesline in a summer breeze. So much of a romantic notion that it seems all of Europe belongs to the church of No Clothes Dryers! Dryers do exist, I have seen them with my very own eyes at the Hyper Marché, (Supersized shopping market) back in some lonely corner with dusty price tags on them. After the washing of the clothes with all of the snake oils poured into the machine, the clothes must be shaken out and flattened as best as one can flatten a wet item of clothing, and hung upon what is lovingly referred to as a Clothes Horse (Etendoir à linge in French), a huge folding rack used to dry clothes. Consequently all of that space saved by not having a laundry room and putting the washing machine in the kitchen or bathroom is now moot because your entire guest room is taken up by the Etendoir à linge!
The clothing freshly dried from the rack have a life of their own, they are cardboard stiff! I prepare to do battle by taking a large stick into the room to beat them into submission. Wrinkles are so permanent that no amount of ironing will ease them, and that pair of jeans that always fit so perfectly after coming out of the dryer now sadly sag on your body after you manage to get your legs into the rock solid tubes that are supposed to contain your legs. (Remember that Christmas movie with the little kid in the snow suit that was so thick he could not put his arms down or his legs together?) Everything feels like sandpaper, and our beautiful soft white bath towels are destroyed.
Not being in a position to add a dryer (utilities paid rental house) I again went back to the internet to research this problem. All of the suggested resolutions, except one, were already in use. Water too hard, add calgon tablets… check! Too much soap, reduce amount used, verified and not the problem… check! Not enough soap to clean and combat hard water, add more soap… check! Add oxygen cleaner like Oxiclean… check! Add fabric softener to soften fabrics… check! Last suggestion, use dryer sheets and a clothes dryer for at least five minutes after removing clothes from the Etendoir à linge…
I give up!
Postscript
Although this post is definitely a Frant… there are a couple of upsides to the laundry situation. Gone are the days of static cling, and our clothes are so stiff when dry that they are incredibly easy to fold. Think Origami! our drawers are full of lovely Cranes, Horses, and Swans. :)
A photo update… Toilettes of France!
Spotted during a Château viewing, a potty that appeared to be a hot seat! It was actually daylight shining in through a ruined wall.